Life or Something Like It
I’m voting for Joe the Plumber
Published Thursday, 30-Oct-2008 in issue 1088
Anyone who has paid attention to national politics will likely agree on one thing: many of the races have turned into circus sideshows.
Yes, step right up ladies and gentlemen and marvel at the sights you’re about to see!
In the national ring, to your right, behold the world’s oldest man! Sure, he may have a heart condition and be close to the onset of senility … but he’s a maverick, ladies and gentlemen – a real live maverick!
To your left, you will see the first EVER black man in the race for president in the general election; behold the heavenly glow that surrounds him. Alas – he may just be the second coming of Jesus Christ.
And to his left, the man who can’t stop spewing verbal vomit; a few weeks back he said his running mate is an “articulate, bright, and clean African American,” and has been quoted saying “you can’t go into a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts without an Indian accent.” Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I invite you to get a close-up of this rare candidate and be sure to bring your cameras and digital voice recorders – he won’t hold his tongue on tape!
And in the far right (and by far the most frightening), a real live shape shifter. Mild mannered pageant queen? Hockey mom? Pit bull in lip stick? No folks, she’s a barracuda. Don’t get too close, folks, and please don’t feed her!
Yes, step right up ladies and gentlemen; these are the candidates for public office.
Behold their wonder.
Behold their glory.
Behold their super sneaky, sleazy nature!
I’m sick of the idiot politicians and the elementary school name-calling …
On your way out of the Carnival of Characters, visit the family-values tent, located near the Proposition 8 ferris wheel; you’ll see wholesome, everyday people who – despite having their jobs outsourced, their homes foreclosed on, their retirement shot to hell on Wall Street, and their children dying in an unjust war overseas – pray to God each and every night those damned gays won’t be allowed to marry for much longer.
Facetiousness aside? I’m sick of all of it.
I’m sick of the idiot politicians and the elementary school name-calling and the sound-bite driven media machines that are running all these campaigns.
The race has shifted away from the issues and into the hands of smear-hungry public relations reps.
And that scares me.
Take a minute to think about it all; in particular, take a minute to think about what this country will look like under either of these administrations.
On Nov. 5 we may just see a headline: McCain clinches the White House. Subhead: 75 percent of U.S. residents relocate to neighboring countries.
And ask yourself: Will an Obama-Biden administration follow through on all its promises? Do we know enough about Barack Obama to trust he’ll walk the walk?
I’m so tired of it all, I’m planning to vote for Joe the Plumber.
Joe is an average guy. He isn’t calling people names. He’s not bashing candidates, and he’s working hard to remain neutral to the national media. He drinks beer. He wears jeans. He’s connected with the American people.
And he, too, seems to be fed up with the politics as usual.