Published Thursday, 15-Jan-2009 in issue 1099
“I’ve only done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss.” – Paris Hilton downplays her sordid past with some sort of new math. I guess she considers oral sex kissing a guy’s penis!
The festivities are over and Billy is back in L.A. Well, I’m almost back in L.A. I’m writing to you from the plane taking me home and I’m trying not to let the really hot guy next to me read this. Not that I don’t want to strike up a conversation with him, but there’s a situation. I was SURE he was gay (despite the construction boots which, although typically the garb of the heterosexuals, are in pristine condition). At one point, he mentioned an ex. Then he mentioned kids. Still could be gay. Then he specified an ex-wife – and threw in a current girlfriend. So either he’s straight or trying to throw me off the track. I almost said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I thought you were gay.” However, it’s been my experience that any time you say “don’t take this the wrong way”, they do!
But is calling someone gay defamatory? I’ve always felt it’s a compliment – if I think you’re gay, it’s because you’re hot, have a nice body, are well groomed, and dress nicely (all of which describes this guy – except for those boots). Rita Cosby is using this argument in fighting the $60 million defamation suit brought against her by Anna Nicole’s attorney, Howard K. Stern. His claim stems from Rita’s book describing a supposed gay encounter caught on video between the legal eagle and Larry Birkhead. Rita argues, “Even if false, engaging in a homosexual tryst, even if videotaped, does not reflect poorly on someone.” In other words, she might have the story wrong, but it’s not defamation. So, take it as a compliment (are you reading this, hot guy to my left?).
Liza just ended her limited run on Broadway and, by all accounts, was a resounding success. Rumors persist that she’ll be bringing the show to L.A. Those rumors were confirmed by Barbara Walters on “The View” – or were they? Regular View-ers know that Walters regularly gets details wrong.
Walters has been a busy little beaver. In addition to her alleged Liza scoop, Babs revealed that Kathy Griffin is no longer banned from “The View” and may return to the show sooner rather than later (my spies have her back to coincide with her Madison Square Garden gigs Feb. 19-21). On her weekly Sirius radio show, Baba said that Griffin was indeed considered for the seat now occupied by Sherri Shepherd. When Star Jones was canned, Sherri and Kathy were the front-runners, and both did a number of pseudo-try-outs as fill-ins. Kathy has always said they didn’t offer her enough money, but Walters claims the offer was rescinded after Griffin dished the show to the press. The truth? Somewhere in the middle. While it is true that none of the hosts make the money they’d like (or, probably deserve), Walters quickly realized that Griffin could not be controlled and that her being given a permanent seat at the table would cause the grand dame of television never-ending angst.
Speaking of Griffin, it appears that her longtime assistant, Jessica Zajicek has moved on to greener pastures. Bravo sent out a press release about next summer’s season and everyone but Jessica is listed. In fact, Tiffany (formerly assistant #2) is now simply called Kathy’s assistant. You know there’s a story there. Jess, gimme a jingle!
Rosie O’Donnell has fired herself! Since her variety show debacle, O’Donnell has been pretty quiet on her blog. It now appears she’s decided to take an indefinite hiatus from her Web site, at least in terms of answering questions. In her own words: “2009. This year, unplugged. See what happens, on we go. Peace out and in.”
Former hunk Willie Aames apparently attempted suicide on Thanksgiving Day – which leads me to believe he’s simply got nothing to be thankful for. But how is that possible? He was on “Eight is Enough,” then “Charles in Charge.” And with his newfound religious fervor, he created “Bible Man,” a superhero who saves children from temptation while living in an underground dungeon that looks like it was made of papier mâché. Well, that explains everything! As it turns out, in one month Aames went bankrupt, his car was repossessed, and his wife of 22 years asked for a divorce. And “Bible Man” is going nowhere fast! Although he doesn’t say this, I’m guessing he asked his good friend Scott Baio to get him on that MTV “Has-Been Teen Idol” show and was turned down. How did he try to kill himself? Rented a room in L.A, stole a bottle of Jack Daniels, and started taking pills. Obviously not the good pills because he didn’t end up dead – he ended up in a psych ward at county hospital. Now he’s out and ready to start over – as a furniture builder. Now I’m depressed!
In case anyone is interested in my opinion, I think you should all cross the Bahamas off your list of possible vacation spots unless you wanna come back in a box... or urn! Case closed, my ass!
In our first “Ask Billy” question of the new year, Patrick in Des Moines writes: “After telling us about Eric Nies last week, I was thinking about a relative of his. Maybe a brother? He was on some cheesy soap and modeled a bit. Do you know who I’m talking about? Believe it or not, he was HOTTER than Eric!”
I suspect you’re talking about Eric’s cousin, Kenneth John Nies, who usually goes by KJ. In addition to having been an A&F model, he was on this tragic little ABC show in the summer of 2006 called “One Ocean View”, which had a very “Real World” premise – 11 young (and hot) people share a Fire Island beach house every weekend of the summer. KJ was described as the owner/operator of two women’s health clubs who just ended a five-year relationship once his ex-girlfriend got pregnant by another man on vacation! How the hell did I miss that? More recently, he did an episode of MTV’s “Room Raiders” looking more gorgeous than his more famous cousin. When the girls searched his place, they found it immaculate, T-shirts on hangers, and the remnants of make-up on his bathroom counter. And his underwear.... well, watch it for yourself on BillyMasters.com.
Could it be that soap’s most infamous young bottom boy has hit rock bottom? The offers to light up the sky (or points lower) aren’t flooding in, and the kindness of male companions he’s always relied on has dried up – but that’s due to his burgeoning waistline and hard drinking (I hear he’s currently drug free). The network brass couldn’t care less who he’s fucking. They just want their golden boy back. FYI, a bit of dye could help that situation. We hear he’s getting quite a work out from his latest personal assistant/trainer. Rumor has it this beauty has practically moved in with the couple, leaving tongues wagging – and the marital bed cold.
When Willie Aames is busy buffing his wood, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. What a column – a few hot guys, a question from the crowd, a blind item, and an ambiguously straight man in the seat next to me. Since we’re beginning our descent, let me direct you to www.billymasters.com, where this column is enhanced by some visual aids. Questions can be sent to email@example.com, and I promise to get back to you before I put on my construction boots (which are filthy)! So, until next time, remember, one man’s gossip is another man’s bible.