Creep of the Week
Leroy Swailes
Published Thursday, 25-Jun-2009 in issue 1122
Homosexuals aren’t human. Also they are the anti-Christ. And pedophiles. And bestialiacs (I don’t know if that’s a word, and while I could probably do a Google search and find an official term for “one who practices bestiality,” no thanks, I just ate).
How do I know homos are all of these things? Because I watched Minister Leroy Swailes testify before the Washington, D.C., Board of Elections and Ethics on June 10. No, I wasn’t actually there; I saw it online. Now, there’s a lot of weird shit on YouTube, but Swailes really gives his all to top it (no pun intended).
Swailes, who wore a shirt that read, “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Morals are Worse than Animals,” was speaking in favor of a referendum proposed by Bishop Harry Jackson that would undo a recent D.C. law recognizing the marriages of gays and lesbians when they legally wed in one of the several places they can legally do that now.
Needless to say, people are freaking out because if D.C. recognizes, say, two guys who tie the knot in Iowa as a legally married couple, it can only mean the end of days. Or whatever.
Listening to Swailes speak is educational, if not entertaining. I learned, for example, that homosexuality is a form of bestiality. “Because a beast has four legs and one gender. If you put two men together, they have four legs and two penises, still one gender, that’s a form of bestiality,” he said. “If you put Eve and Eve together, two vaginas, that’s still one gender, that’s a form of bestiality.”
OK, so wait. If two guys are together they automatically change from men into beast? Like the Transformers? Do they have to be together sexually? Can it just be two strangers in an elevator ignoring each other? If that’s the case, then shouldn’t Swailes be making the case for never letting two people with matching genitalia be alone together? And how do amputees fit into all of this?
Equally enlightening is his explanation of how homosexuality is pedophilia. “What is pedophilia?” he asks. “It’s when your deception is Adam and Adam, Eve and Eve, and you’re going to look into the eyes of a child and you’re going to tell a child that sex is between Adam and Adam, Eve and Eve, you become a pedophile.”
“[Y]ou’ve got to discriminate against something that’s inhuman.”
Got that? Being a pedophile has nothing to do with sexually abusing children and everything to do with simply telling children that homosexuality exists. Thank God Swailes isn’t against Santa Claus.
Swailes is in the wrong business. He should totally be a professor of logic. Because he is wicked awesome at it.
But lest we misunderstand him, I should make clear that he isn’t against human rights. “Everybody should have human rights. But you have to be human. Human means you deal with the opposite sex,” he said.
Remember? Penis + penis + leg + leg + leg + leg = beast. Beast = homosexual. Beast < human, therefore homosexual < human. It’s simple math.
Swailes ends his comment before the council by saying, “We as a city, D.C., we’ve got to realize that you’ve got to discriminate against something that’s inhuman. Thank you very much.”
With a guy like Swailes on their side, it’s hard to imagine how the anti-gay D.C. folks can go wrong.
D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world she reviews rock ‘n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister and teaches writing at the University of Michigan.

Send the story “Creep of the Week”

Recipient's e-mail: 
Your e-mail: 
Additional note: 
E-mail Story     Print Print Story     Share Bookmark & Share Story
Classifieds Place a Classified Ad Business Directory Real Estate
Contact Advertise About GLT