Yee-Haw! I am flipping out about now because the great churning beast we know as Pride has begun its unstoppable motion. What this means for all us drag kings/bar employees is very little food and sleep, and metric tons of work and performance. I love Pride because it reminds me of all the crazy-ass Serbian cultural events my parents used to (and still do) organize. Some of my fondest childhood memories are those where way too many people had way too much fun until the wee hours of the morning, completely oblivious to the small number of people holding the event together by sheer willpower. I hereby extend my gratitude and respect to all of Pride’s various organizers, volunteers and staff; I hope you all get laid at least twice this weekend! That having been said, the subject of getting laid brings me to Klymaxx. Anyone want to own up to this? Was this decided over a “meeting in the ladies room” or was Kajagoogoo booked solid? Regardless, I can’t wait until Sunday to hear their Greatest Hit. However, I am not afraid to admit that I am little-girl-squealy-excited to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch right here in San Diego on Saturday. I guess fair is fair, though. If I have to feign illness to avoid sitting through the Vagina Monologues, Mrs. Salami is under court orders to see Hedwig. The soundtrack is on brainwash rotation in my CD player right now, along with the new Robbie Williams (my ideal gay boyfriend), some DJ Green Lantern remixes of Eminem, Morris Day and the Time and Jason Mraz. If you think that’s an odd lineup, wait until you see the rest of the column. Laurels and Congratulations to El Pachuco! There’s two sides to every coin, and the flip side of Pachuco’s peso took home the honors as Ms. Gay Pride 2003. I find it interesting that there’s a category for “female impersonators” but nothing for the bois. Be that as it may, I’m very proud of my “Baby Brother,” even though he’s a freaky little monkey.

So Pride is here, whaddaya gonna do about it? Whether you’re painfully unaware of the bar scene here, are visiting from out of town or even if you just plain don’t know your ass from your elbow, I’m gonna break it down for you right … now. A wise man once said, “You cannot build a house without a foundation.” Nor can you get drunk on an empty stomach and still expect to party all night. So start the weekend off right, you mullet! Friday night there will be hundreds of women partaking in Happy Hour at Bourbon Street — you decide which is spicier, the free nacho bar or all the hot women. Or hit up the fabulous Taco Bar at Six Degrees on Friday from 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Then, don’t move a muscle because Breech is back and live at Six Degrees from 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. — you can munch your taco (don’t say it; I didn’t, neither should you) and rock the hell out. But wait! It gets better! Starting at 9:00 p.m., Girls In Toyland (co-presented by F-Street. Whoo-hoo!) has hot dancers, sexxxy girls and toy giveaways! Great Gatsby man, toy giveaways! You should go to Six pronto. I don’t even want to get into the sorry state of affairs in some of y’all’s nightstand drawers. Not that I’d know firsthand, but if you think hairdressers and therapists hear nutty shit, you should try being a bouncer sometime. All of this madness is capped off with DJ Fariba’s secret sauce Hip-Hop, House and Salsa for a measly $5. Knowing you, you’ll drag ass out of bed around noon on Saturday. That’s plenty of time to shower and wrangle your locks into something resembling a hairstyle before you shamble on down to Six Degrees’ Barely Believable Beer Bust. Fifty Cent Bud Light drafts on the patio from 3:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. is such a deal that if we were on the opposite coast I’d have to question how many of those kegs “fell off the back of a truck.” Fuggedaboudit. Drifting in with the sunset, Brazilian Afternoon is sure to soothe your sunburn and your psyche after Friday night’s intense heat. Reassemble yourself by 9:00 p.m. for Rocker Girl Night, hosted by Heather Brewer and featuring a special guest. Buttloads o’drink specials and still only $5. Sunday, long after the cab rides and after-parties, head back to Six Degrees for Bloody Marys and Mimosas on the patio from 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. Don’t stray far or you’ll miss a BBQ & Beer Bust worthy of Smithsonian space between Fonzie’s jacket and the Spruce Goose. Get this — all the burgers are $2.50. Veggie? Two-fifty. Hang on to your wallet chain, because it gets better. There’s a Wet “Wifebeater” Contest with a $100 cash prize. When I heard about this, I called a guy I knew in high school to see if he’d mind if I dumped a bucket on him, but he wouldn’t go for it. Just kidding, ladies! At 9:00 p.m. Chill with DJ J.Be and even more drink specials. The cover is still just five bucks.

How can you go wrong in a place featuring a bunch of hot women in tiny excuses for clothing calling themselves the Pussy Posse? Bad Kitties at Numbers has a Friday lineup that will leave you purring all Pride weekend. Come see for yourself at The Bad Kitties Pride Party on Friday, July 25. Everybody knows you don’t “shop” on an empty stomach, so fill ‘er up at the B-B-Q on the Pa-ti-o from 4:00 ‘til 9:00 p.m. Then head for the dance floor any time after 8:00 p.m. and get down with yo’ funky self to the tunes of DJ Tova. If you’re more the electronically stimulated type, head for the video bar and let VJ Cory give you an eyeful. Just make sure you’re on the dance floor at midnight, ‘cause the Pussy Posse will be giving a special purr-formance. If you have a weak heart, bring your pills, granny (or turn into a pumpkin — your choice). You’ve got four pool tables, three bars, two dance floors and an outdoor smoking patio to work with. So if you can’t find a good time, there’s something wrong with you. All the kitties you can pet, only $8 in advance or $10 at the door. Meow.

America! Have you heard? The Flame is hotter than Hell’s Riviera along the River StYx this Pride. If you haven’t seen Earl Thomas this year you are living what could be called a shallow existence at best. From 8:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Friday night you can refuel your soul and bask in the splendor of a man whose sound straddles the line between a gospel revival and the soundtrack to Animal House. As if that isn’t reason enough to stride the hallowed halls of San Diego’s oldest lesbian bar, at 9:30 p.m. the San Diego Kings Club (featuring a certain sailor saluting out over this column) plucks an award winning show out of thin air before your very eyes! It’s also El Pachuco’s birthday, so get ready to get crazy … there’s a super surprise go-go showcase that’ll make the Charlie’s Angles II scene with the Pussycat Dolls look like a friggin’ church nativity play. All of that and more for just $7 — the price of a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Saturday night brings out the voluptuous horror (so beautiful it’s scary) of the Flame’s World Famous Girl Party, featuring the transcendent DJ Lisa Pittman from Las Vegas. Resistance is futile as she has her way with the Flame’s wicked-hot go-go dancers and everybody on the dance floor. Ten dollars gets you in, and the most refreshing drink specials in town keep you there. Sunday, scrape your crew off the floor of your hotel room/bathroom/bedroom/kitchen/carport and pull yourselves together man! From 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Abigail’s Attic rocks you like a hurricane. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking you could avoid the business class ticket to Hades you rightfully earned this weekend, aren’t you? Au contraire, hockey hair! Take a seat on the short bus with Club D’uh from 9:00 p.m. to closing. Klubs.com DJs spin ’70s, ’80s, one-hit-wonders, bubblegum and cheeseball hits that would quickly find their way into your life’s soundtrack if they weren’t there already. Five bucks turns your weekend into a John Hughes movie. Notice I didn’t say film. The Flame also has weekend passes available for $25, which includes all three days and special VIP line privileges, available at the Flame or Obelisk Books.

I’ll be hosting a special Pride week Dating Gayme on Tuesday at Flicks (strong enough for a man, but made for a woman) in which you can win free porn (whoo-hoo!), dinner and a movie, maybe even the hand of someone you’d actually want to shag.

Here’s a quick schedule of when and where to catch the Kings at the Pride Festival:

Saturday, Main Stage @ 3:30 p.m. and 8:45 p.m.; Sunday, Main Stage @ 3:00 p.m., Youth Xone stage 4:15 p.m.

We’ve also got some special out-of-town guests coming in for the first Friday of the month show, Aug. 1. All the way from L.A., it’s the Deadbeat Daddys!

It’s about time for me to get moving. Mrs. Salami isn’t home yet and I have to figure out how to make it appear as though I picked stuff up in the living room when all I actually did was monkey with my Playstation2. Be good, and if you can’t be good, be cute!

Tommy can be reached at tommysalami@popstar.com